If you’re looking for guaranteed methods to have the worst flight of your life, annoy every other passenger and possibly get banned from flying, here’s what to do. Although we really don’t recommend attempting any of this!
1. Bring too much hand luggage
Why not really push the limits of your hand luggage allowance and bring more than any sane person would ever dream of? Bringing a bag you can barely carry is a good start, even better if it’s too heavy to lift into the overhead compartments and too big to fit under your seat. Refuse to allow to have it stored under the plane, don’t let anyone else touch it and be sure to leave it resting in the middle of the aisle to cause extra havoc. You can spend the flight with your bags piled onto your lap, no room for your feet to move an inch and can forego your free meal as there’s no space for the tray table to come down. But at least you scammed the system and brought more luggage that they allow! You showed them!
2. Get drunk on the plane
While we all love to indulge in one or two drinks at the start of a holiday, especially if they’re being handed out on your flight for free, you need to know your limits. There’s nothing worse than a passenger getting absolutely sloshed at 30,000 feet and becoming loud, incoherent and unruly. Not only will you potentially get thrown off the plane for being a danger to other passengers and slapped with a hefty fine, it could ruin not only your entire holiday but mess up plans for everyone on board the plane. Save the shenanigans for arrival!
3. Refuse to turn your phone off
We all know your life is more important than everyone else’s, so why should your flight time be any different. Don’t worry about turning your mobile on flight mode before take-off and if you have to call your best friend of business partner just as the plane takes off, go for it. When asked to hang up and switch you phone off, wave the air stewards away and tell your fellow passengers to mind their own business. The louder you speak, and the more obnoxious your comments, the better. Your goal to get kicked off a flight will be realised in no time, and you will have 300 angry passengers furious that the plane has been forced to land before it has ever even properly taken off.
4. Forget all concepts of personal hygiene
Why not throw all concepts of personal hygiene out the window the minute you board your next flight? Don’t bother wearing deodorant even if you’re prone to sweating profusely when travelling. Don’t waste your time washing your hands after you use the bathroom either, or brushing your teeth after a killer 12 hour flight. While you’re at it, take off your shoes and socks and squeeze your feet in those narrow gaps of the seat in front of you, just enough so your toes are peeking out for the passengers in front to view in all their glory. You’ll either be asked to move, asked to leave or if you really push it you might even be banned from flying with certain airlines.
5. Watch a movie about a plane crash
If you’re hoping to freak yourself out, fill your head with conspiracy theories and in turn start to scare other passengers, spend your flight watching back to back movies about plane crashes. It’s unlikely that the airline will have these movies on offer, so best to bring your own collection on your laptop just in case.
6. Be rude to the air stewards
There’s no better way to ensure you have a journey from hell than by annoying the air stewards on board who are just trying to do their job. You can start by repeatedly pressing the call button, follow up by talking loudly or maybe even cat calling after them and finish your charade by getting into a full on argument over nothing. Complain about your food, or the measure of your free drink, tell them they’re too slow or that their uniform hurts your eyes and then sit back and relax as your perfectly pleasant flight descends into a living nightmare. Forget that extra meal, a glass of water or a nice comfortable pillow – turning friend into foe will get your nowhere in the air.
7. Try to sneak into first class
Giving yourself a self upgrade in the middle of a flight is a great way to cause a little controversy on board. Not only will it annoy the air stewards and your fellow economy class passengers, but First Class passengers who have paid above and beyond for a flight in peace will be thoroughly unimpressed with your loud attempts to snag a First Class seat. While you’re at it, make use of the First Class bathrooms, grab yourself a nice blanket and chance your arm at getting some free champagne. The harder you push and the more obnoxious you are, the better chances of turning your flight into misery. Jackpot!
8. Bring your own stinky snacks
If you’re not a fan of airplane food and would much rather bring your own choice of snacks, a delicious garlic, onion and fish curry is the best choice. Pack it in a tupperware and open it up just as you’re taking off. Be sure to offer it to your fellow passengers and if you’ve forgotten to bring cutlery, eating with your hands should do the job just fine. The stinkier the fish, and the stronger the garlic and onion odours, the better. You’ll be the most hated person on the plane within seconds.
9. Scare other passengers
Frequent flier that loves a bit of turbulence? Does it excite you each time the pilot starts speaking, warning that it might be a rough ride ahead? Even if you are scared, hide your fear and use it to scare all the other passengers on board. Jump out of your seat at inopportune moments, share your crazed conspiracy theories with the passenger in the seat next to you and consider bringing your black briefcase with you to the toilet whenever you feel bored. While the first few minutes might be fun, you will quickly be told to sit down, might be restrained at your seat and should you choose to continue your shenanigans, you might even be escorted off the plane, fined or even arrested.
10. Smoke in the toilet
What better way to turn your pleasant flight into a total nightmare than being given a fine of up to €5000 for smoking on board. As sneaky as you think you’re acting, hiding inside a stinking lavatory and trying to disguise the smell with perfume or deodorant, smoking anywhere on board a flight is a guaranteed way to get yourself kicked off. Unless you have a time machine that can transport you back to the smoking flights of the 1980’s, keep the ciggies stowed in your luggage until you’ve landed and disembarked your flight!
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